When I started this blog, I knew there would come a time when I would have to post about some sad experiences. I just didn't think it would be this soon.
As I sit and type this, my father is in his last dialysis session. After this, he will be transferred out of the rehab facility he has been in for the last few weeks and back to the apartment with my mom for hospice care. Since he can't live without dialysis, the medical staff tells us that it will only take a few days, maybe a week for him to pass away.
I'm really having trouble wrapping my mind around this. It's not like we didn't expect this. There were so many times over the last few years that we thought the end was near. This time, we even knew that this was probably it. So why is it so hard to believe? All I can picture is this clock, ticking away the hours he has left to live. I've even tried to put myself in his place and wonder how I would feel if I knew the end was this close. I can't even begin to imagine it. I know my mother-in-law is facing the same reality, although hers is farther off.
Last Sunday, Mike and I brought Marissa up to see my mom and dad. I knew that this might be the last time that any of us saw him alive. He was able to watch the baby play and laugh on the floor with Mike. He didn't say anything, but I could see him watching her and move his hand slightly, like he was waving at her. Maybe he was waving goodbye?
How do I say goodbye? How do I come to grips with something I thought I had accepted as a reality a long time ago?
This morning, I sorted pictures to use for the funeral display. He's not even gone and I'm already acting like he is. Maybe it's all a part of coping with the inevitable.